I thought it was just everyday stress of work - the pace had become busier, we had staff shortages then sickness then holiday season then people leaving. Our caseload of patients become more complex, more poorly, more acute. I am a year into my new role as an Advanced Practitioner and felt I should be doing all the things to prove myself (to who? Me? My colleagues?) that I deserved this role, that I knew what I was doing, that it wasn’t a mistake that I was here.
I thought the symptoms were just perimenopause - brain fog, fatigue, inability to focus, overstimulation with noise and people, losing words in sentences, slowed thinking, increased irritability with everything. Aches and pains with no explanation.
This is just how it is, isn’t it? When women reach midlife?
I was physically doing the right things - yoga most weeks, trying to fit in a sea dip when I could, walking regularly, resting.
Mentally, my brain was on overdrive. I haven't been sleeping well at all, haven’t been for months. Can’t get to sleep, waking at two or three a.m., wide awake, brain racing again. Tasks that need doing, where is all our money going, how can we save money, are my kids really ok, is my husband depressed or just fed up with me, is my brother ok? Replaying conversations over and over.
September 6th was a particularly busy day at work. I should have been going to yoga that evening, but I visited my parents. On my way through the city, I stopped at some traffic lights. When they turned green, I couldn’t remember (just for a couple of seconds) if that meant I could go or not. My Dad had had a scan, and needs major surgery. Driving home, I almost missed my turning from the motorway as I was confused as to where I was.
On Saturday, my anxiety was high, I was worried and my brain was whirring.
On Sunday morning, I had to take my eldest son to A&E as he had hurt his wrist while intoxicated and he needed his ring to be cut off his finger, the swelling was so great. X-ray. May have a fracture, therefore can’t go to work. This, on top of recent stresses, seemed to be the final straw. I rang work and said “I won’t be in tomorrow.”
Monday morning, I could barely move, I hurt so much all over. My brain was like white noise.
Ok, maybe this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
It creeps up on you, like a bindweed slowly trailing its way around your limbs, slowly becoming tighter in its grip until you suddenly realise its covering you. Little anxieties grow in your brain and become catastrophes, with no founding logic.
In my first week off work, it was back to basics:
Eat
Drink
Wash
Take your medication
Rest
Take a walk
This second week, I am feeling less scrambled in my brain, and initially felt I had a bit more energy. However, I need to learn to pace myself. A couple of hours with my brother, or “I'll just do such and such” and I'm exhausted. I have ended the week mentally tired.
And angry.
Angry that after working so hard for three years to gain my Masters, my hormones decided that “no, you can't go out and do all you expected to do!” Frustrated that my thoughts won't marry up, that I can't work to the same standard and pace that I once could, even though I feel I should be in my new role. It's so fucking frustrating, and unfair! Just as I reach a peak in my career, my brain function won't function.
Angry that I am still being relied on to manage the household overall, even though we have no young children. That certain things don't get done unless I do them or think about them, even though they are blindingly obvious.
Angry that I have no physical outlet for my desires (although I currently feel anything other than desirable and in the mood for sex). I miss being passionate. But equally, I don't want to be touched or grabbed at. I want these things on my terms.
My brain still needs to process so much before I can return to work. I hope two more weeks will be enough to return to functioning, to have enough energy.
What will things be like after burnout? What boundaries do I need to establish? How will I maintain my self-care?
I need a new “normal”, a vision, a plan for how I am going to make it through perimenopause. And I need to be at the centre of it. For my own sanity.
With much love, as always,
Anna x x
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