Here's to the year that was...

My bestie always captures the "real" version

2025 was, in the Chinese Zodiac, the Year of the Snake.

A year of shedding what no longer fit or served. Of slowing down. Of disregarding the noise. Of recognising where we were living in autopilot instead of following our truth. Of understanding where change was needed. Of quiet growth. Of preparing for what's next.

What's next?

I realised when logging on to write this, that I haven't actually written a post since January. "That can't be right?" I immediately thought, but when I think about 2025, I haven't really spent as much time writing as I would have liked. I have made a quiet start on my next Green Pigs book. I have written some erotica. What I haven't done is reflect, journal, blog, share.

Why?

I feel stuck in the messy middle. It's a bit like this time of year - no longer Christmas, not quite New Year, living on left overs, not knowing what day of the week it is (I think today's Sunday??). I'm still in the period of working through the change. Sorting through the flotsam of my younger years. What can be salvaged, what needs to be burned, what precious keepsakes need to be kept close. Kept for the next phase, whatever that looks like.

Back in November, I wrote a post on Insta after a magical evening of yoga 100ft above the Portsmouth skyline in the Spinnaker Tower. One mantra for the evening was "I allow myself to simply be." I wrote:

I allow myself to simply be. In the moment. In this chaotic, stormy phase of my life. To meet myself in the pause, not chasing the next thing, but allowing myself to be, where I am, how I am.

I wrote about grieving for what could have been, the person I was before. All part of letting go. This has been a year of seeking answers. Learning more about perimenopause, how my brain works now, how my body responds now, and giving myself grace and compassion. Not easy! Still waiting for answers about neurodivergence (I mean, it's just a piece of paper, but it would maybe legitimise an explanation. But an explanation for what? For who?). The re-emergence of past trauma I wasn't expecting. Starting therapy for that trauma ("Is that why I am how I am? Why it think and respond the way I do?" Why does any of this matter?). The "what's next?" is unknown. The post-menopause phase that women seem to fear... until they arrive there. I have heard so many women over fifty tell me how free they feel, how invigorated for life - their lives - their time to finally follow their own path. What does my path look like? How will I know if it's the right one? How have I ever known?

For years (I mean, YEARS!) I have been working on believing that I am enough, as I am: no matter my weight, shape, what I accomplish. Yet, that inner voice has remained, reinvigorated by peri. That need for validation that I am being a good enough nurse/friend/daughter/mother/wife/writer, I still crave it. I understand some of the "why", but I can't seem to firmly grasp the "I don't give a f*ck" that others seem to manage so freely. Ironically, the post I wrote in January was about being unapologetic in life. I am making progress, but still find myself apologising for not doing/being enough.

Maybe turning fifty will help...

At the beginning of the year, my word for 2025 was Cultivate:

"To develop; to come to have gradually. To help the growth or development of. To look after or assist the growth of by labour and care" (Merriam-webster.com).

I wanted to cultivate my creativity. My friendships. My relationships. My new-ish role at work. I wanted to cultivate a life that was easeful, one that didn't mean I have to be (and I hate this f*cking word) resilient. Have I achieved it? shrugs shoulders It still feels like hard work at times. I have said "yes" this year to a lot of experiences because I wanted to have the experience - seeing live music, a night away for our anniversary, country music festivals, a solo trip to Dublin for a friend's book launch, seeing shows. I have arranged family gatherings, been away with family. Said yes to a trip to Greece next year for my bestie's big birthday. There has been so much joy. I have my own space in the house where I can write and work from home and be quiet. I have read over thirty books! I have napped and rested. There have also been obstacles and twists in the road. I have set boundaries and been "selfish" with my time and energy. I took time off work with health issues. I have supported others when shit comes their way. And the pull to hibernate has been soooo strong. I have powered through at work, but this year I haven't hit burnout. I have talked to others, said that I was flagging (which I don't do easily). I have cultivated a community who I love, and who love me back.

So as we teeter on the edge of 2026, here's to the year that has seen me begin cultivating a more easeful life, seizing opportunities for joy. Beginning to cultivate boundaries around time and energy, making time to write and read and just be. A year of trying to understand myself better, with questions still unanswered but trying to nurture myself for the "what next?" Of not making big, rash decisions whilst still trying to navigate a stormy course.

2026 is the Chinese Year or the Horse: movement and momentum, courage, trusting instinct over familiarity, action.

Sounds scary, but could be exciting!

Where will the momentum take me? Where will it take you?

I write this for others who find themselves in that "messy middle", the pause, trying to accept who they are, as they are now. You are not alone here, even though it can feel incredibly lonely. And as I tell myself daily, you ARE enough, just as you are.

With much love, as always,

Anna x x