The Weird Middle Bit

Recently, Anna Sansom wrote on Substack about “The Edgelands”, describing them as “liminal spaces in your life where you’re not who you were but not yet who you are going to  be.”

In a geographical sense, they are untamed, often abandoned spaces on the edge of urban conurbations. They have no designated purpose, but often provide shelter for wildlife, are overtaken by brambles and other wild plants and flowers, pushing their way between cracks in concrete.

Anna describes the previously “well-trodden paths” of her life, her wants and desires now being barely visible. And her words made me ponder…

For me it brought to mind a crossroad miles from a familiar city, with two or more tracks forking off in different directions, but with no familiar or defined landmarks in sight. No road signs. No indication as to where these tracks would lead. Just me and my intuition about where to head next.

I feel like I have hit the middle of my story, and it's messy. It makes no sense. 

I am no longer a full-time mother, my children are both fully grown. Until recently, they both lived away from home and I had fallen into a rhythm of it being just me and my husband in the house (oh, and the cat). This meant that I had weekends just for me when my husband was working. I had a quiet transitional space when I got home from work before he came home. There were fewer demands on my time and attention (and I am finding myself easily irritated by demands recently…).

I had moved into the smaller bedroom as an office space, surrounded by books, photographs, creative possibilities, and I had space to work in quiet, distraction-free. I finally had a space where I could “be.”

Due to changes in circumstances, both boys are currently back at home (with my eldest camping out in my office…). This has changed the dynamic of the house. I no longer have time when it is just me at home. I have no quiet space. I feel I am too accessible for their attention.

I feel suffocated.

I am easily irritated by unexpected phonecalls when I am doing other things (I keep my phone on silent most of the time now, as a means of attempting to control my availability to the world).

Other people want to know how I am spending my time when I’m home, doing what and with who. It really pisses me off. “What time will you be home?”, “How long do you think you will be?”

I know that physically and mentally, I am in a time of flux. Perimenopause is in full swing and although the HRT has helped massively, and I have educated myself in terms of hormones, nervous system, etc, I still feel out of control much of the time.

Things that make me feel grounded often involve being left alone, which other people don’t seem to understand or appreciate.

Mentally, my brain is quietened by reading - I am so focussed on someone else’s story that I can’t worry about anything else.

I cannot currently see a path from the messy middle to the next chapter of my life. I don’t know which track to take. When I cogitate for too long, my anxiety creeps in and my brain starts catastrophising. I can’t fully visualise a future.

I know I want more time and space to be creative. To write, to play.

I know I need less demands to be made on my time and attention - I have spent the last thirty years being what other people needed; I now need to work out what I need me to be.

I need to focus on my physical well-being to ensure I can live the next chapter healthily - being more mindful of my nutritional intake, finding a way to build my physical strength and resilience for a healthy old age.

I want to nurture connections with friends - my female friends have been the ones who have kept me sane over recent months.

I want to be able to support my parents as they age without feeling resentment from other people over the time that takes.

I want to be able to prioritise myself and not be judged for it.

But these things won’t happen overnight.

Some people may be upset by my priorities.

They won’t like or understand my need for time out, alone.

I do feel like I am navigating the Edgelands - I am not the person I was before, giving myself to please everyone else. I have not yet discovered what I truly want or need.

I’m in the messy middle, and I am trying to just move carefully through the chaos, navigating each thing as it arises. I can’t focus too far into the future, into the unknown. I am trying to embrace the here and now. Live the life I have, find the little joys, celebrate the wins. Making time to write, to read, to move my body, to enjoy cooking a nourishing meal.

The other side of the Edgelands feels a long way off, but I hope I can work out which track to venture down.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? I would love to hear your thoughts.

With much love, as always,

Anna x x