Notes on Doing the Thing

(Pre-Script - I started writing this over a week ago... isn't procrastination great!)

Last weekend (8th March), I went to Dublin to celebrate the launch of my friend’s new book. I was excited and anxious/scared in equal measure because, at nearly fifty years of age, I have never flown alone. I have never travelled outside of the British Isles on my own. And I was afraid that I “wouldn’t know what to do.”

I’m sorry, what?

Tiny plane with propellers did not help my anxiety...

I have flown before, several times, but always with family or my significant other, plus/minus the children.

I have travelled solo via boat/train/car, and navigated the system without getting (too) lost. But something about going to the airport alone and boarding the plane caused me great anxiety.

The whole booking system was, of course, on line. No physical ticket or boarding pass… What if I lost my phone/forgot my charger? What if I forgot my passport? What if I couldn’t navigate our (tiny by comparison, regional) airport?

What do I need to do in security?

How do I get through customs?

What if I freak out on the plane? I’m not normally a fan of flying, and particularly don’t like the experience of take off. I don’t like turbulence. I don’t like when the plane is banking to change course. 

What if I throw up on my fellow passengers?

What if I get on the wrong bus from the airport and end up somewhere completely random?

What if I lose my phone and can’t contact my friend to let her know I’m lost?

What if… what if… what if??????

Obviously, none of these things happened.

I got through security, enjoyed a coffee before the flight. Managed to use the QR code boarding thingy and didn’t lose my passport.

When I landed in Dublin, I found my way through the airport, I managed to find out which bus I needed to get to the city centre and where I needed to get off. I found my way through the streets to the venue of the book launch an hour early!

I had a wonderful time with my friend and her family, she returned me to the airport the following day and I navigated my way again. Got on the right flight. And actually found I enjoyed the journey home. I didn’t mind the take off. I felt more relaxed. I looked out of the window, noticed the landscape.

Now some of you may be thinking, “sort it out, woman, it’s just a flight!” Many people make these journeys every day, many several times a month or even a week.

And this was a flight to a largely English-speaking nation. Imagine the “what ifs?” if I had been traveling further afield?!

However, it was a big step for me. I was proud of myself for having taken the leap to say I that I would go. It had been a gut-driven response which I felt I needed to follow and commit to. I couldn’t let my friend down after saying I would be there, which was the main motivating factor for not pulling out of the whole thing. I don’t think I would have done this ten, even five, years ago. 

The brain is a powerful thing, and our inner voices (come on, we all have ‘em!) can be so dominating at times - the inner critic, the inner dreamshitter, and they are often much louder than the little voice saying “come on, you can do this.” There’s always a reason to be fearful, to not try, to give up or turn down the opportunity.

One thing I have learned during my forties is that I can do more than I ever thought possible, that I would ever have given myself credit for. More than younger Anna would never have believed could or would happen. When I turned 49 last month, I went through my photos to remind myself what I have achieved in the last ten years, because we so easily forget. We do the thing and move onto the next thing without taking the time to really appreciate and celebrate what we have done!

I started writing a list, and as it got longer and longer, I realised that I have achieved some serious shit. Professionally, academically, personally, I have grown so much from the “thirty-something Anna” who was still tied up being Mum/wife/nurse and struggling to allow herself permission to just be Anna as well. And I have grown so much since I cut ties with someone who wanted any success of mine to be attributed to them. I was afraid to try anything new as I wouldn’t have been allowed to have it as Mine, it would have to be Ours. Or things I expressed an interest in that they would belittle or mock, I would then tuck away and pretend to not enjoy. They suggested once that I was “playing dress up and pretend” in our friendship, and although that stung at the time, she may have been right!

Discovering only now that I may have ADHD explains so much, including being a social chameleon to fit in. So yes, in a way I was “pretending”, not intentionally or consciously, so that I could be the friend I thought they wanted. Now it makes sense.

So, in doing The Thing I have reinforced to myself that I can do Things. Even if they’re scary or unfamiliar, or feel bloody uncomfortable. I have an evidence log of Things I have achieved, that I am proud of. I have Things I have done just for me, and not to just fulfil my praise kink (more on this in a future blog, I feel…). Taking time to recognise and appreciate what I have done and can do has been an important part of getting to know Me again, getting to know the creative and brave part of me who has always existed but who hasn’t always been given the space to flourish.

Next time you do A Thing, take time to notice it. Appreciate what you have achieved. Celebrate what you have accomplished, even if it feels like something small and insignificant. Recognise the small things as these can sometimes be the most significant building blocks. Be proud of You.

With much love, as always,

Anna x x