I don't know about anyone else, but sometimes I need to get what is going on in my brain, out of my brain. Last week was a challenge on many levels, and Friday hit me like a tonne of bricks. Stream of consciosness incoming...
TW: mention of SA and eating disorder
The anger has been brewing, slowly bubbling under the surface. Unbidden, but triggered none the same.
There’s an element of grieving for what might have been, and what is no more.
Late discovery of likely (probable) ADHD has allowed me to view my life through a different lens. Things make more sense, have come into sharper focus. The “good girl”, perfectionist tendencies. The conflict avoidance, the rejection sensitivity (why does “sensitivity” feel like a massive understatement?!). It also poses more questions.
The overstimulation. And need for stimulation.
Years in fight/flight/freeze/fawn. Self-preservation.
Trauma-response following two sexual assaults. Bulimia in my early twenties.
Failed friendships. Failed relationships and infidelity - was this my version of dopamine-chasing? The thrill of the new, the sexual pleasure in-the-moment which led to catastrophic results?
Does ADHD lead to an increased risk of post-natal depression, I wonder?
The years of masking, of being a social chameleon. Of not knowing who the fuck I AM or what I WANT, too busy trying to fit in.
Performing the roles expected of me, and feeling I was failing at all of them. Allowing my needs to be bottom of the list, my feelings to be trampled over and squashed down as unimportant, so as not to upset The Others. Allowing myself to get into these situations, time and time again.
49. I should know better. I should know myself better.
And perimenopause. Fuck me!
I can’t keep it up anymore, I’m exhausted. The spinning plates are starting to fall, and all I feel is anger.
If I’d known about my neurospiciness, would I have better coping strategies? Would I have made different decisions? Would I be coping better?
I need to stop berating myself for past decisions and mistakes. I did the best I could with the knowledge and resources I had. Ruminating is not going to change anything, but the “what ifs” are loud.
If the ADHD had been recognised, would I have been on antidepressants for the past twenty years?
Probably, because I’m female.
Anxiety and depression versus neurodiversity.
The prescription would have been the same.
What happens now? I have decided to seek a diagnosis to help me make sense of everything. I don’t know what this will change. I have decided to seek counselling with someone who understands neurodiversity and perimenopause and the unique challenges therein.
I am grieving for the girl who didn’t know. Who didn’t fit in, was bullied, who thought it was her fault she was different. For the young woman who thought she wasn’t strong enough to cope, wasn’t good enough. Who was “too much” in a relationship but fun enough to sleep with, as maybe that was all she was worth. For the woman who feels invisible, who some days can’t face the world. Who wants to do so much but doesn’t know where to start. Who wants to feel loved (and maybe, a little bit adored), who wants physical intimacy and for this not to be deemed as “demanding.”
Who wants to be Anna, whoever she really is.
I don't know if this resonates with you at all? It felt good to get it out, and I'm sharing so that others may feel less alone.
If you'd like to share your thoughts, please comment below or send me a message privately.
With much love, as always,
Anna x x
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